Major Keys to Successful Marriage (Study Guide by Michael Todd)
- Marriage is a paradox. Marriage is the most appealing
relationship on earth, but it requires hard work and sacrifice.
- The great paradox of all time is how Jesus, our Lord and
Savior, died a gruesome death on the cross to show His love for people who may
not even accept Him. Paradox. But because of this paradox, we have the
opportunity to experience forgiveness, to extend forgiveness to others, to heal
from our past, and to win in relationships.
Key 1: Understanding Each Other’s needs
- A want is a desire for something or is something wished
for. A need is a requirement that is absolutely necessary. In marriage, it is
crucial to know the difference between what your spouse needs. The sad truth is
that the lack of understanding in this area leads to so much turmoil and
unnecessary pain. If you do not know the needs of your spouse, neglect is
inevitable.
- Does
a flower want water or need water?
- Men and women are equal in marriage, but God created us
with different sets of needs. He designed marriage to allow the husband and the
wife to fulfill those needs.
Women Need Security
- Security means a safe place. A safe place for her
emotional, physical, and financial well-being. You must find her a safe place
for her dreams, her heart, her insecurities, and her feelings. Creating an
emotional safe place for her is a place where she feels protected.
Women Need Affection
- By affection, I am not talking about sex. Sex can be a
result of affection, but it should not be the motivation. The longer you are with
somebody, the more intentional you have to be with affection. Affection
is not what a woman wants; it is what she needs.
Women Need Communication
- You need to stretch yourself in this area if you care
about your wife, because she wants to connect with you through words.
Men Need Honor and Respect
- He needs you to hold him in high regard. He needs
you to praise him and speak well of him to others. He needs you to tell him
what he does great according to his abilities and his qualities and his
achievements.
1. Allow Him to Fail
2. Let God be the Enforcer
3. Honor the Man You Want Him to Be, Not the Man He Is Right
Now
Men Need Support
1. Presence
2. Encouragement
3. Wisdom
4. Prayer
Men Need Sex
- Men do not want sex; they need sex. It is scientifically
proven that most men have a more active sex drive than most women. This is not
a bad thing. This is actually a good or, better yet, God thing.
- If wives do not meet this needs, it leaves a void that men
respond to in a variety of ways. Men can get angry. They can feel frustrated.
They can feel neglected. A husband can be like, “My wife does not even care
about me or love me to sacrifice her time or her desires to be able to fulfill
this legitimate need.”
- When this need is not met, the quality of marriage goes
down and the man starts looking for sex somewhere else. That is not right, but
it is real. And we have the ability to safeguard our marriages and relationship
as long as we do not confuse wants and needs.
Key 2: Knowing How to Talk To Each Other
- With
communication, it is not just quantity but also quality.
- God made husbands and wives to meet each other’s needs.
But the pressure is not all on spouses. In fact, every person needs three
things that a spouse cannot provide: identity, purpose, acceptance.
- Life tries to label you, but Christ identified you. Before
you are a wife, husband, mom, dad, business owner, graduate, daughter, son, or
athlete, you had an identity. God says you are called, loved, significant,
forgiven, His masterpiece, and His child. God can only give identity. The Bible
says that before you were formed in your mother’s womb, God knew you.
- We believe that purpose is revealed, but purpose is
revealed only by the Creator. A relationship cannot give you purpose. It can be
a part of purpose, but purpose comes only from the Creator – God.
Know the Power of Your Words
- Your words are either building up the person you want
to be married to or they are tearing down the person you have to be married to.
Key 3: Knowing How to Resolve Conflict
- Conflict is going to happen in marriage. It can even be a good if it gets
differences out in the open and prevents secret resentment. But you do not want
to stay in conflict. You want to disagree in a way that strengthens unit
without leaving scars.
Cut Out Unspoken Expectations
- When you do not speak your
expectation from the beginning, you are setting up yourself and your spouse to
fail.
Pay
Attention to your Word Choice and Tone
- It is easier to share your
secondary emotions than to be vulnerable enough to say what really hurt or even
admit that you were hurt at all.
- Think
before you speak.
To review:
- Understand that men and women tend to have different
needs. Something that is just a want for one partner might be a need for the
other, and the other spouse had better try to meet it or a serious deficit is
going to build up in the marriage.
- Make the effort to learn what works best in communication
with the partner you married. Convey your love in a way that will be received.
Build up; do not tear down.
- Arguments are going to happen, but the more you can do to
prevent unnecessary arguments or to bring arguments to a productive conclusion,
the less damage your fighting is going to do.